2006-03-08
distractions
Strange Patient Chart Notations inspired by Brenda at What's Up Down South ["Living and Learning with Rednecks"]
• The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
• The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
• From my own medical history: At age 8 a group of us were playing hide-and-seek inside the house on a rainy day. No adults were present. "Base" which we had to touch in order not to get caught, was a narrow wooden post situated between two panes of glass. I raced through the house and missed the base by an inch, putting my left arm through the smaller pane of glass. A neighbor came quickly and tried to get me to go with him to the hospital. I kept screaming at the top of my lungs that I would not go with him, that he was a kidnapper. Finally, he lowered his voice and whispered in my ear, "Do you want me to call the police?"
Once he said that I carefully pulled my arm from the window pane, allowed him to wrap it in a cloth and quietly went with him to the hospital with no additional fuss.
• Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
• The skin was moist and dry.
• Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
• The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
• She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
• Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
• I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. (Must be one of the better HMOs)
• The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
• From my own medical history: Two years ago, as part of a comprehensive scan of my innards I was scheduled for a colonoscopy and an upper endoscopy the same day. I asked to be sedated for the procedures. While counting backwards from ten to la-la land, the last thing I heard the med technicians say was "which end are we putting this tube down first?"
• The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.
• Examination reveals a well-developed male laying in bed with his family in no distress.
• Patient was alert and unresponsive.
• When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
• The patient keeps spewing forth verbal diarrhea [this was double underlined so heavily the mark showed through several pages in the chart]
• The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
• Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
• Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
• She is numb from her toes down.
• Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
• The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
• From my own medical history: I once was in a car accident where the vehicle flipped up over a snowbank turned upside down and back up. We were both cut up but got out of the car relatively intact. I had to be stitched up in my face and shoulder. While in the emergency room I innocently asked how long this who matter would take since I was planning on going bobsledding the next day. The docs looked at each other and sent me back up to x-ray to do some more shots of my skull.
• While in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
• The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
• The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
• The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
• From my own medical history: At age 8 a group of us were playing hide-and-seek inside the house on a rainy day. No adults were present. "Base" which we had to touch in order not to get caught, was a narrow wooden post situated between two panes of glass. I raced through the house and missed the base by an inch, putting my left arm through the smaller pane of glass. A neighbor came quickly and tried to get me to go with him to the hospital. I kept screaming at the top of my lungs that I would not go with him, that he was a kidnapper. Finally, he lowered his voice and whispered in my ear, "Do you want me to call the police?"
Once he said that I carefully pulled my arm from the window pane, allowed him to wrap it in a cloth and quietly went with him to the hospital with no additional fuss.
• Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
• The skin was moist and dry.• Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
• The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
• She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
• Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
• I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. (Must be one of the better HMOs)
• The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
• From my own medical history: Two years ago, as part of a comprehensive scan of my innards I was scheduled for a colonoscopy and an upper endoscopy the same day. I asked to be sedated for the procedures. While counting backwards from ten to la-la land, the last thing I heard the med technicians say was "which end are we putting this tube down first?"
• The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.
• Examination reveals a well-developed male laying in bed with his family in no distress.
• Patient was alert and unresponsive.
• When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
• The patient keeps spewing forth verbal diarrhea [this was double underlined so heavily the mark showed through several pages in the chart]
• The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
• Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
• Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
• She is numb from her toes down.
• Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
• The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
• From my own medical history: I once was in a car accident where the vehicle flipped up over a snowbank turned upside down and back up. We were both cut up but got out of the car relatively intact. I had to be stitched up in my face and shoulder. While in the emergency room I innocently asked how long this who matter would take since I was planning on going bobsledding the next day. The docs looked at each other and sent me back up to x-ray to do some more shots of my skull.
• While in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
• The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
IMAGE CREDIT: Eastern Health and Social Services Council, Belfast, Ireland |
¶ 16:34
