Strange Patient Chart Notations inspired by Brenda at What's Up Down South
["Living and Learning with Rednecks"]
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
From my own medical history: At age 8 a group of us were playing hide-and-seek inside the house on a rainy day. No adults were present. "Base" which we had to touch in order not to get caught, was a narrow wooden post situated between two panes of glass. I raced through the house and missed the base by an inch, putting my left arm through the smaller pane of glass. A neighbor came quickly and tried to get me to go with him to the hospital. I kept screaming at the top of my lungs that I would not go with him, that he was a kidnapper. Finally, he lowered his voice and whispered in my ear, "Do you want me to call the police?"
Once he said that I carefully pulled my arm from the window pane, allowed him to wrap it in a cloth and quietly went with him to the hospital with no additional fuss.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The skin was moist and dry.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. (Must be one of the better HMOs)
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
From my own medical history: Two years ago, as part of a comprehensive scan of my innards I was scheduled for a colonoscopy and an upper endoscopy the same day. I asked to be sedated for the procedures. While counting backwards from ten to la-la land, the last thing I heard the med technicians say was "which end are we putting this tube down first?"
The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.
Examination reveals a well-developed male laying in bed with his family in no distress.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
The patient keeps spewing forth verbal diarrhea [this was double underlined so heavily the mark showed through several pages in the chart]
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
She is numb from her toes down.
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
From my own medical history: I once was in a car accident where the vehicle flipped up over a snowbank turned upside down and back up. We were both cut up but got out of the car relatively intact. I had to be stitched up in my face and shoulder. While in the emergency room I innocently asked how long this who matter would take since I was planning on going bobsledding the next day. The docs looked at each other and sent me back up to x-ray to do some more shots of my skull.
While in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.